Tag: survive affair
Survive The Emotional Devastation And The Affair
How Do You Survive An Affair?Author: +Freddie Cook
The discovery of your spouse having an affair will always be an emotional roller coaster. So many different feelings all competing for your attention. And many of these emotions will be in conflict with each other.
But, even if you manage to survive this emotional devastation, there is always the affair itself to come to terms with. In many ways this can be the hardest part to cope with. Not just the betrayal, but accepting all that took place between your partner and their new lover.
In a twisted way, your partner’s infidelity has handed you a unique gift: the chance to assess your life, what your needs are, and discover who you are. It has probably been a long time since you did that, having spent years of your life in your marriage, and maybe lost sight of the person you once were.
The infidelity has left you reeling, and you find yourself caught up in the aftermath of the emotional devastation your spouse created. Thanks for destroying my life, you selfish weasel, right? You thought you knew this man/woman, and felt secure in your relationship. You thought you knew yourself. Now, all you know is that you’re feeling lost and alone—and have a burning desire to rediscover who you are.
In this post, I’ll share with you the 3 critical steps you must take before you can begin your own journey of rediscovery—and surviving the emotional destruction that your spouse’s affair caused.
Cheating Has Negative Consequences
So your husband or wife traveled outside your marriage. Now, they have to deal with the negative consequences for the selfish, foolish mistake of electing to cheat rather than stepping back and taking a long, hard look at their life, or coming to you first to admit they were about to make a supremely asinine decision.
Generally, the person your husband or wife cheated with is not:
* Smarter * Better * More talented * A divine bedroom god or goddess
But these are the thoughts that are now in your head, causing you to doubt yourself and your self-worth. We can’t know what is truly in someone else’s heart and why they would choose to do something as stupid as cheating, breaking their marriage vows and destroying the relationship they built.
However, if you look at some of the reasons given for why someone cheated, you don’t usually hear, “Well, he was really hot,” or “She could recite the Gettysburg Address backwards.” The majority of the time, the cheater can’t offer any reason that could even remotely validate their brainless choice.
But enough about your cheating spouse. Let’s move on to you, and what your deeper needs are, today and in the future.
Rediscover Yourself, You’re Worth It
When everything you counted on has been torn asunder by infidelity, you may feel you are literally trying to start your life over from scratch. But before you can truly rediscover who you are—or reinvent yourself—these critical steps need to be taken so you can properly move forward and design the best life possible for yourself, one that takes into account your needs, wants, and values.
Accept The Pain, It’ll Help You Heal
You are in a world of hurt right now. The discomfort of emotional pain is no less stressful than physical pain is. In fact, it can be more so. At least with physical pain, you can take a pill to dampen it.
But with emotional pain, you can’t ignore it, you can’t evade it, you can’t escape it—at least not permanently. You have to deal with the pain, define the emotions you are feeling. Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but acknowledgment is the way toward acceptance that you are going through hell, and that can lead to healing.
Find Some Perspective – It’s Not Your Fault
Earlier, we looked at some common thoughts that victims of an affair have. A lot of affair victims admit to being haunted by the thought that the paramour was somehow better than they are. The self-talk in your head can turn quite nasty upon learning of an affair.
It’s going to take a stretch of time to work through these painful thoughts and deal with the negative chatter going on in your mind. Your perspective is skewed—accept that right now, this is normal. You will regain a normal perspective with time.
Plan To Survive The Affair
Acknowledgment and acceptance of painful emotions and thoughts is only part of the equation. You don’t want that negativity to sit inside of you, festering away. It is necessary on your path to healing that you process this negativity to get rid of it.
Plan for frequent “relief” breaks: exercise, schedule weekly lunches with friends, get out of the house. The point is, you need reminders that there is a whole world outside of your internal pain—and that you can once more feel a part of that world and are not consigned to a life of misery.
How To Save Your Marriage...
Dealing With Jealousy To Save Your Marriage
Can Jealousy Be Helpful?Author: +Freddie Cook
Saving your marriage can be a difficult enough thing to accomplish at the best of times, but when feelings of jealousy get mixed in with all the confusion, what will be the end result? What is jealousy? Can it be used to help restore a broken marriage or will it always make things worse?
Jealousy can be brought on by behaviors exhibited by your spouse. They can also be brought on by your own insecurities, in which case your spouse’s behavior can trigger them. But they can also be completely unfounded.
You’re about to find out that jealousy can be a useful emotion or a destructive one and the end result relies heavily on how you manage and use your jealous feelings. You will also find out how to handle them in the most positive ways…
After you’ve discovered your spouse’s affair, do you feel hyper-vigilant for the slightest hint of betrayal?
If your spouse smiles at the wait staff in a restaurant, flirtatiously banters with your accountant, or takes a phone call from a co-worker of the opposite sex, do you feel your pulse quicken and a sense of anger — even rage — taking over?
Going through the emotional devastation of an affair, you are probably still dealing with images that continue to run through your mind of your spouse with another person. And feeling that sense of hyper-vigilance means you have another strong emotion to work through: jealousy.
In this blog, you’ll learn tips to manage those jealous feelings so they don’t overwhelm you and jeopardize your, and your spouse’s, efforts to save your marriage.
Jealousy: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Jealousy is a basic human emotion. It can rear up when you feel that a person you love may be “taken away” by someone else. It’s a response to what you feel is a threat to your relationship.
But, it can be a dangerous response — one with the potential to damage your relationship with your spouse, unless you understand why it exists and how to manage it.
Some forms of jealousy are actually good, as they do signal a threat. If you catch a woman batting her eyes at your husband, a flag goes up inside of you that says: “This person is trying to make a move on my spouse.” You love your husband and want to protect your relationship, so it’s not a bad thing that you feel the desire to protect it.
When you experience this type of jealousy, there are a number of ways you might respond to it. In the best cases, people reveal their jealous feelings to their spouse in a light, non-threatening way that shows they care. “Honey, I’m going to have to defend your honor, the way he was looking at you…” is an example, a response that expresses your jealous feelings. These show your partner you care about your relationship and you want to protect it without getting angry at your spouse for attracting someone else’s attention.
Jealousy felt and expressed in this way is what I call “good jealousy.” It is a rational, fun response to an emotional reaction you are having.
However, jealousy without cause is “bad jealousy.” This type is experienced in different ways: Either the jealous feelings you experience are more intense, blinding your ability to think clearly, you react to your emotions in a way that isn’t “light and non-threatening,” you can’t release the jealous thoughts or feelings, or some combination of these in the absence of provocation or suspicious behavior by your partner.
If in the above example, you instead react by yelling at your spouse, storming off, and then giving the silent treatment for a few days, the “ugly” reaction doesn’t fit the situation.
If your spouse has had an affair and you’re confronted with a situation in which your jealous feelings are justified, these feelings can (and usually do) cause problems in your marriage and your efforts to rebuild after the affair.
There are healthier ways you can process jealousy, before it develops into “bad jealousy.” Here are a few tips on how to better manage your response:
Physically Manage Your Jealousy Response
When you experience jealousy that feels like it’s about to bubble up and explode, first thing to do is to stop, take a deep breath, stand up or sit up straight, and get control of yourself.
You need to do this whether or not your jealousy is justified. Remember, acting out your feelings in an aggressive way will only cause more problems in your marriage.
Before the feelings become intense, you need to make a conscious choice not to act on those feelings in a mismanaged, inappropriate way.
Look Within For Why You Had a Jealous Response
When you feel jealous the tendency is to look at what the other person did to “make you” experience jealousy.
But no one “makes you” feel, think, or behave in any way. You are the one who has the jealous feelings — they were born inside of you. Redirect your attention: look inside yourself and identify how you are hurting.
As the person experiencing the jealousy it is your job to identify your hurt feelings and start up a conversation with your spouse that expresses what you are feeling.
Communicate Your Feelings to Your Spouse
If you experience bad jealousy, instead of blowing up into a jealous rage, you need to talk about your experience of hurt feelings with your spouse. If your spouse’s behavior was questionable to you, include specific facts about this as you express your feelings and the response you had.
Your spouse is more likely to respond in a caring manner to your pain if you don’t blame or accuse your spouse of cheating or threatening to cheat, but instead give your perspective. This helps your efforts to save your marriage, as you and your spouse find ways to overcome this problem—together, as a couple.
How To Save Your Marriage...
How Do I Get My Husband To Love Me Again?
His Love And Desire Has GoneAuthor: +Freddie Cook
The passage of time affects everything, and marriages are no different. It’s quite common for a couple to drift apart without even noticing it happen.
It’s so gradual that it just sneaks up on you.
Life gets in the way and leads you both in different directions.
Of course, that’s not the only reason that leaves you wanting to know how you can rekindle all that lost love and passion you both used to have.
Other things can happen, like infidelity or allowing arguing or fighting to become a habit instead of effective communication.
Whatever the reason, you have come to the point where you think your husband has fallen out of love with you, or maybe has lost his desire for you.
In either case, it’s left you feeling alone and confused and now you are asking yourself, how can I turn it all around and get my husband to love me again?
Many women, just like you, are asking themselves the same questions. Or they have asked themselves these questions and are struggling to find the answers.
While every situation and all circumstances are different, there are some common elements to “lost love” in a relationship.
But before we talk about lost love, first ask yourself, are you sure that your husband doesn’t love you anymore?
Has he told you so?
If he’s behaving strangely or acting different, this does not necessarily mean he is not in love with you anymore, although it most likely means he’s also questioning himself about the matter.
Before you go on trying to win back your husband’s love, make sure that you have lost it in the first place, or your efforts may only backfire.
In many cases, in order to get your husband’s love back, you first need to work on yourself.
Have you been neglecting yourself and putting the needs of your kids and husband first?
That’s very common. Of course, your kids come first, but you also need to dedicate some time for yourself.
This goes both ways of course. Husbands very often get caught up in their own lives, work and interests and it’s not your fault at all. But, sometimes you can help even when it is your husband’s fault.
Encouragement can go a long way in most circumstances.
If you’ve put on some extra pounds, make a plan to eat more healthy meals or get in a little exercise, and take them off.
Take the time to dress in clothes that flatter you and make you feel good about yourself. Go out with the girls every once in a while and let your husband take care of the kids.
Do what you need to do to get your “mojo” back. It’s important that you feel good about yourself.
You may be surprised at how just a little bit of self-awareness will get you in terms of feeling more confident and therefore looking more attractive. As you’re going through your make-over, try to distance yourself from your husband.
Of course if you are living in separate households, this is easier. However, if you are still under the same roof, just go on about your life in a detached manner.
Don’t be mean or cold. Be friendly and positive, but just minimize your contact with your husband.
This newer you (really, it’s the older you) will also spark more interest from your husband. The real you is the person he fell in love with in the first place.
So, if you’ve been asking yourself, “how do I get my husband to love me again”, start by asking yourself, “what can I do for myself… now”?
How To Save Your Marriage...
Overcoming An Affair
Can You Get Past The Affair?Author: +Freddie Cook
It’s true that some affairs simply happen. The cheater wasn’t actively trying to have an affair. Circumstances, availability, a moment of weakness…
But it’s not very common…
Most affairs have some underlying cause within the relationship that contributes to the infidelity.
That’s not an excuse to have an affair, it’s simply real life. We don’t want it to be true, but it generally is.
Relationships are complicated at the best of times, but when life, commitments, responsibilities, hopes and desires get in the way, our relationships often suffer.
There are three seriously big problems happen when cheating in a relationship takes place.
Unless the one having the affair is a serial cheater (which there is just no justifiable reason) then cheating changes that person, forever.
I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for them, I’m just trying to be realistic for the sake of a complete understanding of what normally happens.
Once the infidelity has occurred, it can’t be taken back. It’s done and it can’t be undone.
For evermore the cheater has to live with the fact that they’ve betrayed their spouse. They’ve not only let their partner down, they’ve let themselves down. They’ve changed themselves and they will never be able to change back again.
They feel guilt, not just for the affair, but for the necessary lies and deceit that go along with it.
They have done something that they are ashamed of, even if they felt some justification for the affair, they will still not have any pride in their actions.
The second problem is that the cheated partner is also changed. Once the affair is uncovered, the innocent spouse is left dejected.
They lose confidence in themselves, their partner and their relationship.
They feel betrayed, angry, hurt, lost and rejected by the very person that is supposed to help shield them from such things and comfort them if they do happen.
Who’s to comfort them now?
The person they should be able to rely on has just become entirely unreliable.
They can no longer trust their cheating partner in anything.
They can no longer rely on them for anything.
They very suddenly feel… alone.
The third problem is that the relationship itself has changed. It can never be the same again. It will be different forever.
However, this may… or may not… be a bad thing.
The affair has happened. It has changed the relationship.
If the affair itself can be forgiven and the flaws in the relationship that had any bearing on the infidelity can be uncovered and dealt with, then the change in the relationship can be for the good… The affair can be overcome.
How To Save Your Marriage...
The Details Of The Affair
Infidelity Raises QuestionsAuthor: +Freddie Cook
It’s the details of the affair that very often hold the key to understanding the infidelity and being able let it go. You’ve been systematically fed a lot of lies the whole time the affair was taking place and now you need to know the truth behind these lies.
You need to know exactly how the affair started, and when. Not more lies, but the truth. What exactly did they get up to and what did they do other than sex? These details are important to you, they are going to be very painful to learn.
So much of what has happened was hidden from you, it’s a part of your spouse’s life you know nothing about. The thoughts that play on your mind, your feelings of inadequacy, the unknown, you need to know. Can you survive this affair?
After your spouse’s affair struck a violent blow to the very heart of your marriage, you know you need serious marriage help … immediately. You’re haunted by negative thoughts and images—sometimes before you even know any specific details.
Your marriage has no chance of surviving the infidelity until a very important issue is satisfactorily resolved: how to handle the details of the affair.
You and your spouse, with committed effort, can survive an affair. But your joint efforts may stall if you don’t decide whether you are going to discuss these painful details, and how to handle them if you do.
Contrary to common assumptions, for some, the best course may be to not discuss specific intimate details of the affair — you may come out stronger for not knowing them. For others, it may be essential to discuss the details before you can move forward.
In this post, I’ll provide you with 3 steps that will help you make this significant decision.
Transparency: Should It Include Affair Details?
In the last post, we looked at the critical need for transparency in a marriage—whether the marriage has been strained to the breaking-point by a spouse’s affair or if you just find your marriage bonds slackening.
Surviving an affair isn’t a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. There will be a lot of heated conversations, raw emotions, and tears shed.
Whether you have been broadsided by the revelation of a spouse’s affair or you are the one who cheated, there are a slew of thoughts and emotions that need to be confronted and coped with. In addition you need to learn skills that will save your marriage—skills like transparency. (See Marriage Help: Use a “No Closets” Rule for more on this critical topic.)
However, being transparent does not necessarily mean that all details of the affair must be shared for your marriage to survive.
In some cases, knowing the details may cause more harm than good. For example, if your spouse’s affair was long-term and went deeper than a one-night event, there would be a lot of details. It could be overwhelming, and feed images that not just haunt you—but torture you for some time to come.
This is why it’s important to learn the appropriate steps to take in making this critical decision, as it can affect the length of time and your ability to heal. .
Here are some steps that will help decide how to handle the details of the affair.
Step 1: Make a Decision on How to Handle Affair Details
The injured spouse should be the one to decide how much, if any, of the details they want to know about the affair. While the cheater may feel it is cathartic to unload it all on their spouse, their efforts to “come clean” could really muddy the waters of reconciliation—and their spouse’s ability to heal.
As the victim of an affair who wants to save the marriage and get past the affair, your decision rests on whether you feel the details will help you move past this terrible phase in your life, or if it will cripple your efforts to do so.
Most victims of an affair have at least a few questions that they feel must be answered to confirm suspicions they may have had, a feeling that “something isn’t right.” You may need confirmation regarding a particular event that occurred in the past, where you had a suspicion, but your spouse explained it away with a lie.
In this instance, you may decide you want to know the truth so you can feel assured that when you get a gut feeling—it’s accurate.
Step 2: Gather and Write Down Your Affair Questions
Write down your questions and think them over for a couple of days to see if it is really information you must know in order to move forward and heal.
Remember that once you know an answer to a question—there is no going back. So decide if the answers you receive will further fuel negative images and thoughts that will haunt you, or if the answers are necessary to help you find peace once again.
Step 3: Set Affair Detail Parameters
If you decide, as the injured spouse, that you cannot achieve healing without knowing details concerning the affair, then set guidelines in advance for what you want your spouse to share.
Instead of broad-siding the cheater with questions, creating a conversational situation that can quickly get out of hand, you may want to give the cheater advance warning that you would like to sit down for a question and answer session.
You can also set the parameters for this sit-down talk: “I only want information that specifically answers this question I have. No elaboration or excuses, please.”
In “Survive an Affair,” there are extensive guidelines that can lead you as you navigate through this uncomfortable process.
How To Save Your Marriage...