Survive The Emotional Devastation And The Affair

How Do You Survive An Affair?

Author: +Freddie Cook

The discovery of your spouse having an affair will always be an emotional roller coaster. So many different feelings all competing for your attention. And many of these emotions will be in conflict with each other.

But, even if you manage to survive this emotional devastation, there is always the affair itself to come to terms with. In many ways this can be the hardest part to cope with. Not just the betrayal, but accepting all that took place between your partner and their new lover.

In a twisted way, your partner’s infidelity has handed you a unique gift: the chance to assess your life, what your needs are, and discover who you are. It has probably been a long time since you did that, having spent years of your life in your marriage, and maybe lost sight of the person you once were.

The infidelity has left you reeling, and you find yourself caught up in the aftermath of the emotional devastation your spouse created. Thanks for destroying my life, you selfish weasel, right? You thought you knew this man/woman, and felt secure in your relationship. You thought you knew yourself. Now, all you know is that you’re feeling lost and alone—and have a burning desire to rediscover who you are.

In this post, I’ll share with you the 3 critical steps you must take before you can begin your own journey of rediscovery—and surviving the emotional destruction that your spouse’s affair caused.

Cheating Has Negative Consequences

So your husband or wife traveled outside your marriage. Now, they have to deal with the negative consequences for the selfish, foolish mistake of electing to cheat rather than stepping back and taking a long, hard look at their life, or coming to you first to admit they were about to make a supremely asinine decision.

Generally, the person your husband or wife cheated with is not:

* Smarter
* Better
* More talented
* A divine bedroom god or goddess

But these are the thoughts that are now in your head, causing you to doubt yourself and your self-worth. We can’t know what is truly in someone else’s heart and why they would choose to do something as stupid as cheating, breaking their marriage vows and destroying the relationship they built.

However, if you look at some of the reasons given for why someone cheated, you don’t usually hear, “Well, he was really hot,” or “She could recite the Gettysburg Address backwards.” The majority of the time, the cheater can’t offer any reason that could even remotely validate their brainless choice.

But enough about your cheating spouse. Let’s move on to you, and what your deeper needs are, today and in the future.

Rediscover Yourself, You’re Worth It

When everything you counted on has been torn asunder by infidelity, you may feel you are literally trying to start your life over from scratch. But before you can truly rediscover who you are—or reinvent yourself—these critical steps need to be taken so you can properly move forward and design the best life possible for yourself, one that takes into account your needs, wants, and values.

Accept The Pain, It’ll Help You Heal

You are in a world of hurt right now. The discomfort of emotional pain is no less stressful than physical pain is. In fact, it can be more so. At least with physical pain, you can take a pill to dampen it.

But with emotional pain, you can’t ignore it, you can’t evade it, you can’t escape it—at least not permanently. You have to deal with the pain, define the emotions you are feeling. Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but acknowledgment is the way toward acceptance that you are going through hell, and that can lead to healing.

Find Some Perspective – It’s Not Your Fault

Earlier, we looked at some common thoughts that victims of an affair have. A lot of affair victims admit to being haunted by the thought that the paramour was somehow better than they are. The self-talk in your head can turn quite nasty upon learning of an affair.

It’s going to take a stretch of time to work through these painful thoughts and deal with the negative chatter going on in your mind. Your perspective is skewed—accept that right now, this is normal. You will regain a normal perspective with time.

Plan To Survive The Affair

Acknowledgment and acceptance of painful emotions and thoughts is only part of the equation. You don’t want that negativity to sit inside of you, festering away. It is necessary on your path to healing that you process this negativity to get rid of it.

Plan for frequent “relief” breaks: exercise, schedule weekly lunches with friends, get out of the house. The point is, you need reminders that there is a whole world outside of your internal pain—and that you can once more feel a part of that world and are not consigned to a life of misery.

How To Save Your Marriage...

Posted on

The Details Of The Affair

Infidelity Raises Questions

Author: +Freddie Cook

It’s the details of the affair that very often hold the key to understanding the infidelity and being able let it go. You’ve been systematically fed a lot of lies the whole time the affair was taking place and now you need to know the truth behind these lies.

You need to know exactly how the affair started, and when. Not more lies, but the truth. What exactly did they get up to and what did they do other than sex? These details are important to you, they are going to be very painful to learn.

So much of what has happened was hidden from you, it’s a part of your spouse’s life you know nothing about. The thoughts that play on your mind, your feelings of inadequacy, the unknown, you need to know. Can you survive this affair?

After your spouse’s affair struck a violent blow to the very heart of your marriage, you know you need serious marriage help … immediately. You’re haunted by negative thoughts and images—sometimes before you even know any specific details.

Your marriage has no chance of surviving the infidelity until a very important issue is satisfactorily resolved: how to handle the details of the affair.

You and your spouse, with committed effort, can survive an affair. But your joint efforts may stall if you don’t decide whether you are going to discuss these painful details, and how to handle them if you do.

Contrary to common assumptions, for some, the best course may be to not discuss specific intimate details of the affair — you may come out stronger for not knowing them. For others, it may be essential to discuss the details before you can move forward.

In this post, I’ll provide you with 3 steps that will help you make this significant decision.

Transparency: Should It Include Affair Details?

In the last post, we looked at the critical need for transparency in a marriage—whether the marriage has been strained to the breaking-point by a spouse’s affair or if you just find your marriage bonds slackening.

Surviving an affair isn’t a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. There will be a lot of heated conversations, raw emotions, and tears shed.

Whether you have been broadsided by the revelation of a spouse’s affair or you are the one who cheated, there are a slew of thoughts and emotions that need to be confronted and coped with. In addition you need to learn skills that will save your marriage—skills like transparency. (See Marriage Help: Use a “No Closets” Rule for more on this critical topic.)

However, being transparent does not necessarily mean that all details of the affair must be shared for your marriage to survive.

In some cases, knowing the details may cause more harm than good. For example, if your spouse’s affair was long-term and went deeper than a one-night event, there would be a lot of details. It could be overwhelming, and feed images that not just haunt you—but torture you for some time to come.

This is why it’s important to learn the appropriate steps to take in making this critical decision, as it can affect the length of time and your ability to heal. .

Here are some steps that will help decide how to handle the details of the affair.

Step 1: Make a Decision on How to Handle Affair Details

The injured spouse should be the one to decide how much, if any, of the details they want to know about the affair. While the cheater may feel it is cathartic to unload it all on their spouse, their efforts to “come clean” could really muddy the waters of reconciliation—and their spouse’s ability to heal.

As the victim of an affair who wants to save the marriage and get past the affair, your decision rests on whether you feel the details will help you move past this terrible phase in your life, or if it will cripple your efforts to do so.

Most victims of an affair have at least a few questions that they feel must be answered to confirm suspicions they may have had, a feeling that “something isn’t right.” You may need confirmation regarding a particular event that occurred in the past, where you had a suspicion, but your spouse explained it away with a lie.

In this instance, you may decide you want to know the truth so you can feel assured that when you get a gut feeling—it’s accurate.

Step 2: Gather and Write Down Your Affair Questions

Write down your questions and think them over for a couple of days to see if it is really information you must know in order to move forward and heal.

Remember that once you know an answer to a question—there is no going back. So decide if the answers you receive will further fuel negative images and thoughts that will haunt you, or if the answers are necessary to help you find peace once again.

Step 3: Set Affair Detail Parameters

If you decide, as the injured spouse, that you cannot achieve healing without knowing details concerning the affair, then set guidelines in advance for what you want your spouse to share.

Instead of broad-siding the cheater with questions, creating a conversational situation that can quickly get out of hand, you may want to give the cheater advance warning that you would like to sit down for a question and answer session.

You can also set the parameters for this sit-down talk: “I only want information that specifically answers this question I have. No elaboration or excuses, please.”

In “Survive an Affair,” there are extensive guidelines that can lead you as you navigate through this uncomfortable process.

How To Save Your Marriage...

Posted on